Helping Our Children Build Resilience

Resilience isn’t something we’re born with, it’s a skill we develop over time, and we get better at it the more we practice. Think of the times you've said things like, “Well, it’s probably for the best,” or “Thank goodness I…’  Those are small but powerful examples of reframing setbacks and finding perspective. Chances are, you’re already modelling resilience for your children more than you realise.

Growth and development through adversity

The truth is, life will always have its ups and downs. How we respond to those challenges and how we help our children respond is what really matters.

Let’s explore some key characteristics of resilient people, and how we can help children and young people apply these in their own lives.

Understanding that adversity is part of life - and it's temporary

Resilient people recognise that difficult moments don’t last forever. Teaching children to expect occasional bumps in the road, rather than fear or resist them, helps them stay grounded when challenges arise.

Tip: When your child faces disappointment, gently remind them of a past challenge they overcame: “Remember how worried you were before that test? You got through it, and you will this time too.”

Accepting what can and can’t be controlled

Focusing energy on what we can change builds confidence and reduces overwhelm. If your child is stuck on something that didn’t go their way, help them explore what actions are within their control.

Tip: Use simple questions like:"What’s something small you could try next?" or"Is there another way to look at this?"

These questions encourage flexible thinking and problem-solving.

Looking for the positives, even when it’s tough

This doesn’t mean ignoring hard feelings, but rather learning to find light in the shade. Life isn’t black and white and even difficult experiences can offer growth or insight.

Tip: Make a habit of asking: “What’s one good thing that happened today?” around the dinner table or at bedtime. Over time, it trains the brain to spot the good alongside the bad.

Facing fears and setbacks with courage

Resilience isn’t about avoiding fear, it’s about experiencing it and coming out stronger. Help children reframe setbacks as a natural part of learning and growth.

Tip: Share stories from your own life where failure led to something better. Children feel empowered when they realise even adults face and survive challenges.

Reflecting on thoughts and behaviours

Encouraging children to pause and ask themselves, “Is what I’m thinking or doing helping me or holding me back?” builds emotional awareness and self-regulation.

Tip: If your child has experienced a set back, help them examine how they are reacting to it and whether it is helping them. For example, if they are they scrolling on their phone or allowing themselves to be drawn into negative conversations, suggest an activity, ideally something that involves activity and fresh air. Afterwards, ask them to reflect on how the two activities helped or hindered their state of mind.

Practicing gratitude

Gratitude helps shift focus from what’s missing to what’s present. It also boosts emotional wellbeing and resilience.

Tip: Keep a small gratitude journal or create a weekly ritual where your child lists three things they're thankful for, big or small.

Embracing a growth mindset

When children believe their abilities can grow with effort, they’re far more likely to persevere. The key word here is “yet. “I can’t do this…” becomes, “I can’t do this… yet.”

Tip: Praise effort over outcome. Instead of “You’re so smart,” try “You worked really hard on that and it paid off!”

All of these skills can be learned. Just becoming aware of these traits and when they might be useful is already a big step forward.

We also need to help children see that failure, stress, and discomfort are part of growth. These experiences aren’t to be avoided at all costs, they’re signs that we’re learning and stretching ourselves. The more we normalise that, the more resilient our children will become.